Of Life and Love
by Kalida
Summary: Pain leads to anger. 'How dare he?  How dare he sacrilege the partnership of five years? Seeley Booth wanted a toast from her? Well, she would give him a toast that he would never forget in his lifetime…' Rated T. B/B Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N: _**I know I am completely crazy to have two incomplete stories and start yet another one... But I just had to get all the corrosive angst out of my system. So this would be a pretty angsty fic.

Disclaimer. I don't own Bones. Never did. Never will.

* * *

_Out of all the hearts you could have broken,_

_Why did you choose mine, sweet love?_

_Couldn't you see the scratches and scrapes,_

_The rough sewing and the coarse cello-tapes, _

_Where I tried to mend it?_

_._

_Out of all the lives you could have ruined,_

_Why did you choose mine, my love?_

_Couldn't you see that it was already empty,_

_Bleak and lifeless as you filled with colours?_

_Only to take it away later, leaving my life cold and harsh as well…_

_._

_Out of all the tears you could have earned,_

_Why did you choose mine, you bastard?_

_You told me you wanted me to smile,_

_You told me you couldn't bear to watch me broken,_

_So, Did you close your eyes as you broke me?_

_Left me? Tortured me? Murdered me?_

_._

_You told me love was pure,_

_I only had to let it into my life,_

_Well, I did…_

_And look where I stand now, _

_In a bleak white stretch of endless void._

_._

_Why couldn't you have left me alone? _

_I may not have been happy, but I wasn't sad._

_At least I didn't feel like I'm dying inside,_

_As you took away a part of me, the only part of me that could have been loved…_

_._

_Why did you make me forget who I was?_

_Banished me from my kingdom of strength. _

_Was this all a joke to you?_

_A sick morbid cruel joke called life?_

'_Hey, let's see who can make the cold bitch fall in love and then leave her bleeding'. _

_._

_I have nothing left to live for,_

_All colours washed away from my life,_

_Only stains of a past remaining, _

_That makes me want to laugh and cry…_

_Till my heart runs dry__…_

_._

_I laugh now,_

_Isn't this funny?_

_How a simple smile or kiss, _

_Could make the biggest fool out of a genius,_

_Biggest weakling out of a stone-cold bitch? _

_._

_Isn't it funny how you found __**all**__ my flaws?_

_And as you accepted them, _

_I thought you'll protect my weak spots,_

_Only to find that you'd kick me there later…_

_._

_I wish I could erase you or me,_

_Or maybe this constant bile in my mouth,_

_Or maybe the invariable sting in my eyes,_

_Or maybe the prevailing pain in my chest,_

_Where my heart used to be…_

_._

_I laugh,_

_It's so funny that I was such a fool even when I was smart,_

_It's so funny that I was so weak even when I was strong,_

_It's so funny that I was so permeable when I thought I was impenetrable,_

_It's __**so**__ funny that I can almost hear my laugh amidst all the tears…_

_._

_Why did you do this, my love?_

_Didn't you know you were the only one for me?_

_The only source of happiness and trust._

_You told me you were __**the one**__….The one who __**knew**__,_

_I'll say now – 'No, you were the one who lasted five years,_

_You were the one, who lasted longest, _

_Before you left.'_

_._

_Why did you kill me my love?_

_Not in one swift blow,_

_Quick and painless,_

_But slowly and eternally,_

_Drawing out my horrors and fears,_

_Taking your time to taste my tears…_

_._

_All I did was give you my heart,_

_Knocked down the bricks of my fortress so you could come in,_

_All I did was love you endlessly,_

_Endlessly but fearfully,_

_All I did was trying to put a smile on your face…_

_._

_Why did you love me only to leave me when I was ready?_

_._

_Of all the hearts you could have crushed,_

_Why did you choose mine__, my love?_

_Couldn't you see it was already shattered, tattered beyond repair?_

_._

_Why did you take my heart, you mongrel?_

_If it was only to mend it fractionally, _

_Before dropping it from an unattainable height,_

_Shattering it into a million tiny pieces,_

_So tiny that I can't find them, in the darkness that I find myself presently in…_

_._

_._

_

* * *

_

She was not stupid. She never was. Yes, she was a genius. One of the best forensic anthropologists the world has ever seen, but that was not what made her a genius. Her science was not what made her a genius. It was her knowledge. It was her quest for truth… Truth which she _knew_, from personal experience, will only hurt her. Yet she wanted the truth, and not just that she endured it…

.

She was never blinded by lies. And that is exactly the reason why for the first time in decades, she doesn't know what to do. Literally, no idea what to do. No way out, no escape route, no nothing…

She had nothing…

.

She didn't know what to do with this bitter, weak woman she found herself to be these days. She didn't know what to _do_. How to escape this, how to plan a way out, how to stop hurting… She really doesn't know. And for the first time in her life, she found herself questioning everything in her life… Even her science.

.

_You see, people would always like find a clear cut reason for everything. Including her, no doubt... Its called faith. _

_A reason for everything._

_She finds her faith in her science, you find your faith in God, someone else finds their faith in love, somebody else in art… _

_

* * *

_

_._

_It doesn't matter what your faith is, what matters is everybody wants something to hold on to. Everybody wants to be a part of something better and bigger… Love or God or Science… Everybody wants to find a home, a paradise, a serenity, satisfaction… _

_But, nobody… NOBODY is ready to face the truth that life was and always will be a continuous search to get something that you'll never get… Because you already had it all along… _

_._

_Faith. _

_Who do you put your faith on? Or better what do you put your faith on? Does it really matter anyway? Wouldn't it be broken anyway? At least for people who had their eyes forcefully opened to the real world… the shroud of lies and contentment torn away, so forcefully and painfully that they wish to get back to the ignorance, to the innocence… To the lies… _

_Faith. Something that is bound to be shaken or broken for any open person. Any person with eyes and heart open to the world. _

_

* * *

_

_._

She had always laughed at the name of God. Okay, maybe not _always_… From when she was sixteen or seventeen… If there was a benevolent God, why is letting children die out of poverty? Why is he letting young girls and boys get raped? Why is he letting young women get raped and killed in the name of honour? Why is he people die out of starvation even when they are praying to him, his name slipping from their lips, fervently? Why is he letting young men go to war only to kill and be killed and inflict physical, mental, emotional and psychological scars on others as well as themselves? Why is he letting men murder and torture each other in the name of diamonds and oil?

Why are newborn babies dying? Why are the cruelest serial killers going scot-free due to _lack of incriminating evidence_? Why are there genocides? Why is there unrequited love? Why do people hate each other? Why are they afraid of those who are different? Why is there human exploitation and trafficking? Why are little boys and girls getting addicted to drugs? Why? Why…?

Because there is no God. No Karma. No cosmic retribution. Nothing… You exist and so do others. Bad things happen to you as well as others. For no reason, for no greater cause… Things just _happen_. And you just have to deal with it. Close your heart and your eyes to the miseries of the world and live on or just choose death… Both are equally difficult, you can choose either.

.

She _knew_ all of this. And that was why she was not stupid. Temperance Brennan was no fool. She knew about the unjust and unfair world at a young age itself. But she didn't pity herself for that. She took pride in it. She knew these things that so many people will never know their entire life and many people gave up their lives for. She knew this and she knew that life wasn't sweet or easy as everyone made out to be. _Everybody_ has regrets in their deathbed.

You cannot live out each and every opportunity in life. Each door cannot be opened. Many a times you have to let go… And move forward with whatever you have left with you… Because if you stay for even a second longer, your mind will grow roots and stay there for the rest of your life. Stuck in limbo….

.

Leave and move forward. Leave and move forward. That's the only way life can be handled.

.

She was aware of the fact that many people saw her as an empty person. A great forensic anthropologist. But that's all she was, just a great anthropologist. Not a real person. And definitely not having fears and desires like everyone else… Some others saw her as damaged or broken. A person having abandonment issues and commitment issues because her parents left her at a tender age of fifteen… They could see her past and maybe even understand that but couldn't see past that.

They couldn't see her as a person with small fears and small likes and small dislikes. With love and hate and everything in between. With a heart and mind and soul… They couldn't see _her. _

All they could ever see was either her profession or her talent or her past… No one could see _her… _

.

Funnily, she had thought Booth was the only one who could _see_ her. Yes, he also saw her talent, her profession, her past but also her… A real person, a _woman_… Who loved her mother's earrings and dolphins and hated snakes… A woman who smiled and laughed and lived a little and hurt a little… A woman trying to reconcile with her past and lighten up her future… A real person rather just a scientist or a psychological case…

Funny how life proves you wrong again and again till you break and accept its superiority.

* * *

.

_How many times can you handle a broken heart? How many times can you survive shattered faith? How many times endure faded friendships and relationships? How many times can you revive your dead hopes? How many times…?_

_Some can endure it as many times as they can till they find someone who wouldn't break (crush) their heart or till they find a faith that is solid enough or till they find everlasting hope… __Some can't… _

_Some are not masochistic enough make themselves go through heartbreaks again and again in the hope that they __**may**__ find someone who's worth it. So they just don't… They don't put themselves in misery, they don't give away their hearts too easily, and they build fortresses and armours around their heart in an effort to save themselves from agony. _

_It is simply because they cannot forget the ones they love too easily. They cannot forget why they loved a person. They cannot forget how that person smiled or the taste of their kiss. They simply cannot pick up the broken pieces of their life and plainly march on, as if nothing had happened. They cannot turn off their love by the flick of a switch. _

* * *

.

Brennan still remembers each one of the person she ever loved. She wished she could say that she didn't know what love was till she met Booth. But that is not true. Or maybe it is. She didn't _know_ what love was till she met Booth but she had _felt_ it before. She still remembers them, what she liked about them.

Her first love… That little wrinkle in his forehead that showed he was worried.

Second love. The dimple that appeared when he smiled whole-heartedly, the little stubble that she thought was cute.

So many, so many things… Little things that she loved… Or hated…

Maybe that was why she tried not to enter into _romantic_ relationship, only sexual ones… Because she would miss them too much. She would miss what she loved about them and also what she hated about them… She would want to turn back time to a simpler time… A happier time… She would want to extract her life from the clutches of her broken love…. But she found that she always lost a part of her life to them, a part of herself…

She still hasn't gotten back that little part of her heart that she gave them… And that is why she believes she still loves them with a tiny part of her heart…

* * *

.

_You can only get over __**people**__. You cannot get over your love for someone. You can only just bury it and hope it has a peaceful death… You cannot get over it…_

* * *

.

So, Temperance Brennan decided that maybe if she never really gave herself to any person, not even a little bit of herself, then maybe she wouldn't feel like she's losing herself bit by bit…

.

Unlike most people, she didn't delude herself with notions of 'everlasting love', 'soul-mates', 'lasting friendships' or 'happily-ever-afters'. She didn't delude herself with the notion of a pure, true love with 'The One'. What she didn't know was that she let _Booth_ delude her with those notions…

Life is a cruel teacher but an effective one. And she still doesn't know how Booth managed to make her unlearn all of life's lessons… And what good did that do?

Look at her. Sitting alone in her apartment, feeling nothing anymore… Except a dull ache in her chest. Not even sharp stabbing pains… But a dull pain as if showing her this is how her life would be – slowly agonizing….

What good did love ever do? Nothing.

It just broke or, more accurately, crushed people's hearts…

No love can last… Because there is no love, no hope, no faith, no God, no anything… No anything to keep you living… To keep you wanting to live… Except maybe Prozac.

.

She just wishes that she could find herself. She just wishes that she hadn't lost her definition of self. She just wishes that she could regain her faith… In Science, in God, in whatever… She just wishes that she doesn't feel like she has been reduced to a ghost or shell of a person she had known…

But that is what she is, isn't she? While she had loved people with a part of heart and they took it away as they left, she loved with the whole of her heart… The whole of her soul… The whole of her everything… And Booth took that away as he left her…

And now here she is. Left with nothing, not even herself. Feeling nothing but a corrosive numbness and scraping silence… With an overwhelming emptiness… She is left as the shell of a person she barely knew.

She wishes that she could hate him for it. But she couldn't. It was her fault anyway. If you give something to someone, you can't expect them to NOT take it away. Even if what you gave was yourself…

It was her fault for unlearning life, her fault for knocking down the walls that she built for her own security, her fault for being stupid, stupidly in love…

.

She just wants to find herself. In Science, or in life, or in friends, she doesn't care. She just wants to find herself so that she could breathe once again… Just breathe… And live…

.

She just want fractions of her heart to feel whole again...

.

* * *

A/N: Yes, the poem in the beginning is mine. ^_^

Should I continue? What do you think?


	2. Limbo

_Sometimes, I see you,_

_And my heart is elated,_

_A smile, a touch, _

_I'm once more in heaven…_

_._

_And then I know,_

_As I always knew,_

_It is time to let go,_

_And I try to do so._

_._

_A thousand pins pierced into my frail heart,_

_Blood pumping and pumping, world spinning,_

_I can't feel my heartbeat anymore,_

_Everything buzzing by…_

_._

_A lung full of air – not sufficient,_

_Stinging smiles and tears of relief,_

_A fist squeezing my little heart,_

_Bile rising up my throat – sickeningly sweet…_

_._

_I'm trying to let go,_

_Opening my palms,_

_Unclenching my fists,_

_Breathing in…_

_._

_I'm holding on desperately,_

_Curling my toes,_

_Tightly pressed lips,_

_Exhaling sharply…_

_._

_Holding on and letting go simultaneously,_

_Defining a new definition to everything in existence,_

_Licking my wounds while tearing open old scars,_

_Wandering through the haze-filled limbo…_

_._

_Brain dead, a few hours ago,_

_Heart racing though,_

_Stale air breathing in and,_

_Fresh air out…_

_._

_They said, it'll be alright,_

_They termed it in many ways,_

_This ain't no heart-break,_

_This ain't no love-make…_

_._

_This is in between,_

_Holding on and letting go,_

_Clinging on to whatever's left,_

_While moving on – marching ahead…_

_._

_Distant smell of birth and death,_

_Both equally disgusting,_

_Whatever happened to living & breathing?_

_Just existing while loving?_

_._

_._

_

* * *

_

_When you__ love a person too much and that person hurts you too much, and keeps hurting you too much, what will you do?_

_._

* * *

She was an independent woman. Not by birth, but by choice. It wasn't because life was cruel or because her parents and brother abandoned her when she was young that she decided to be independent. It wasn't because she had 'commitment issues' or 'abandonment issues'. It was because she had sense… And she wasn't a masochist.

Being dependent on someone is the easiest way to hurt yourself. If not now, then later. It wasn't because your loved ones hated you or didn't love you something. It was just how the world was. It is just how the world is… You give something, it takes it away.

So, best thing that you could do was be independent. Of course, you'd still have friends and romantic relationships but you wouldn't be utterly dependent on it. You wouldn't feel like your whole life has been put to a waste, your whole being reduced to ashes when it doesn't work out.

You wouldn't feel that there is something inside you – some caged animal or something – that is screaming and clawing at your outer shell hoping that someone would hear it and set it free.

You wouldn't feel any of these if you are independent. But you would, if you became dependent and then find that your whole support system is collapsing… crumbling…

.

It is almost funny, how she feels that some life changing event has occurred... Some cataclysmic global event has occurred and that everybody should mourn the death of such purity and such proportions. But nobody gives a damn… It doesn't matter to them, and why should it? It didn't concern them. But to her, if felt like everything was in shambles. No hope for her and no hope for the world either… Nothing to live for… Nothing at all. And here she was, feeling that the whole world is taking a turn for the worse, feeling that the loss of such a love is a grave matter… But the truth is it is just the mad thoughts of one stupid woman in love. One stupid woman in six billion people… It didn't matter… She didn't matter… Even if her heart got broken into the tiniest shards or even if she dies, it doesn't matter to the world… The world still spins… People still live and laugh… It was a life altering event only for her… It didn't matter…

.

* * *

_What will you do when you love a person so much that it hurts like hell? And they hurt you like hell? But, you know you won't be this hurt were you still not loving them. So you start to wonder – why the hell do you still love them?_

_._

_

* * *

_

_The question of the day is what you will do if you love a person and they don't, or maybe they do but hurts you anyway. _

_Some people try to move on or start to move on. Majority believe that this is the right path, the healthier one. _

_But those who have been on the receiving end of the 'moving on' process knows how much it hurts to watch your loved one move on… So they think, ian't it better to hold on and carry the pain in a dignified manner rather than inflict the pain of 'moving on' on someone you love?_

_._

_

* * *

_

See, the worst thing, she can't bring herself to hate him. Or stop loving him… Even after all the pain, all the despair, all the bitterness, she just can't stop loving him for reasons unknown to her. Was it to honour the memories? To honour the old caring Booth? Because every human being ultimately craves dependency?

She doesn't know… But the fact that she is still hurting… she is letting a invading bitterness and corrosive numbness take over her is a statement to her love. Which still exists…

She chuckles in bitterness and her laughter echo eerily in her empty apartment room. He was the one who said nothing could change his love. That he _knew_. And she was the one who didn't believe in eternal love. But, it happened so that she is left with the love… She is the one with a love that refuses to die… A love that is eternal while he is the one who could switch off his love… his dreams of thirty, forty, fifty years and fall in love with another beautiful woman. Maybe it is because she is a bestselling author that she can appreciate the irony of the situation…

And she wonders – Has her life been reduced to one big funny irony?

.

* * *

_Psychologists would argue that the reason why people stay in abusive relationships or dependent relationships is because it fits their sense of self. Some are dominant, some submissive, some are dependent… They generally tend to subconsciously seek out such relationships and become a victim. It can also be due to fear or psychological issues that people tend __to have dysfunctional relationships… _

_._

_But is life all about relationships? What about love? Maybe love was the reason why people stayed… Maybe love was the reason people still continued loving… Maybe love was the reason people still continue in dysfunctional relationship…_

_And who gave these people the right to judge anyway? Who are they to decide what a dysfunctional relationship is and what a healthy one is? Whatever happened to love and the notion that all forms of it are right and true…?_

_._

_

* * *

_

It is maddening. This constant oscillation between love and hate… This oscillation between holding on and letting go. Between moving on and staying still… And she doesn't know which one she is doing.

.

One moment, she decides that everything is over. It is time to accept defeat and let Booth move on and be happy. She should slowly but surely step out of his life because she isn't the primary concern anymore… She shouldn't be. And then she would move on too. She would at least try to be happy with her life, with somebody else.

And the next moment he would smile – that charm smile… That boyish grin of his. It wouldn't even be directed towards her… Nowadays, it was directed towards Hannah. But even then, she would just see that smile and fall in love with him all over again…

She is letting go and holding on at the same time. She is letting go of the idea that they would ever have a future together, she is letting go of her dreams, she is letting go of her heart, she is letting go of her happiness… And quite masochistically, she is holding on… Holding on to the memories, holding on to the love, holding on to what she loved and what she hated, holding onto her only like-able past… holding on to what she knows was the only _true_ thing in her life…

.

She was letting go and holding on at the same time. She was living in a limbo.

.

* * *

A/N: Yes, the poem is mine… =)

But I hadn't written it for 'Bones'. I had just written it some while back and I thought it would fit Bones, so I used it.

So liked it? Hated it? Please let me know… Leave a review…

Btw, I am back after my exams… ^_^ Soon, I would update my other stories… And maybe even write a Christmassy three-shot (can be extended up to four-shot).

Oh and, Disclaimer: I do not own Bones. (If anyone thought I did, you need to visit Sweets, buddy. You are delusional ).


	3. Determinism

_They say love is selfless. But, no one has ever seen a selfless love. Love by definition is a source of happiness for yourself. Hence, it is selfish. But that doesn't make it less pure. That doesn't mean that it would hurt less when you see your love fail. _

_It is still love. The love that you had cared for and had nourished like your own child. The love that changed your hopes and dreams and essentially the very core of you._

_

* * *

_

_._

_._

She is getting accustomed to this life. She is slowly adjusting to it. When an organism is put into a hostile environment, it may survive or perish. But it will always, try to adapt and survive. Without any conscious effort, involuntarily, it starts adjusting and evolving to survive in the hostile habitat.

And Brennan was no exception to the laws of universe and nature.

She is slowly learning to adjust to this. The heartbreak, the agony, the lack of hope… She is learning to live with all this. She is slowly learning to live without a meaning to her life. After all, she has a very steep learning curve.

* * *

.

_The Theory of Scientific Determinism dates back to Newton and Simon De Laplace. _

_Determinism assumes that for every event occurring in this world, there is a previously existing cause. _

_The present state of a body is the result of its previous state and once we know the present state and forces acting on it, we can calculate its future state also._

_Everything in this world including the working of the human mind is rational - utterly rational._

_Absolute knowledge of a body is possible once we know the forces acting on it._

_

* * *

_

.

.

Brennan had always liked the Theory of Scientific Determinism more than The Uncertainty Principle. But, it didn't matter what she liked. What mattered was what was right. And now, as everybody knows, Scientific Determinism is faulty and preposterous.

But, she had to admit that she had felt a sense of loss upon learning that it was wrong. And maybe that was the reason that she believed she would try to achieve a rational mind. Of course, she couldn't succeed fully. But as always, she can always _try_ to achieve perfection.

But, it would have been good, wouldn't it? Had we been able to acquire absolute knowledge about an object? Had all human minds been utterly rational? We could have avoided so many crimes.

_Maybe not_, she thought as her thoughts wandered to Zach.

It was more than Booth. The whole squint squad had affected her in some way or the other. Changing her… Moulding her… Of course, Booth was the catalyst that introduced her to the world of crime fighting and hence 'The squint squad'. But, somewhere deep inside (_deep inside her mind or deep inside her heart, she didn't know_), she _knew_ that they were a family. A unit. Like each one of them were an organ or tissue contributing to the team which was the organism. A part of the whole…

What she didn't know was that when _the centre _failed, they would fail to. Slowly crumble to pieces and decay. Like an organism without a brain or heart… Booth was the heart and she was the brain. And if even if one of them failed… or if they just stopped their synchronized work, the whole organism would die off. Wither away and decay… Like a dead rotting corpse.

* * *

.

.

_Do you know what the worst thing about losing love is? It is not the heartbreak or the loneliness. It is that feeling… The feeling of inadequacy, the insecurity… The feeling that love isn't for you. Because love is something pure while you are tainted. It is the feeling that maybe you have no meaning at all. Maybe your life has no meaning at all. Your lack of existence wouldn't have affected anybody, at least not in a negative way. You are just an extra piece in the world. Useless and Meaningless. A spare… And maybe that was why love isn't for you because you are simply not capable of providing a person with that sense of infinite joy. _

_You are not the princess or the prince charming. You are the monster, who needs to be removed from the equation to achieve balance. A harmony._

* * *

_._

_._

Brennan knew that she wasn't needed anymore. No need of a brain without a heart. She looked around her and all she could see was happy couples. _Angela and Hodgins, Booth and Hannah… _They have already achieved their equilibrium. Their love and their contentment. She was just a ripple in the calm pond of their lives. A disturbance… A cause of disharmony. A shift from the equilibrium.

Angela doesn't hound her. She doesn't demand answers or command her to open up to her. She tries to include her in her family but Brennan politely declines whenever possible. Angela is her best friend and would always be and she knows her better than herself. And that is the reason Angela didn't coerce and cajole her into admitting what she felt.

Brennan knows this. And a part of her is happy and thankful that Angela is letting her be. But another part, the weak and irrational part… is hurt and confused and would rather have Angela hound and pester her till she would pour her heart out. Because she knows that it would somehow alleviate a little bit of the pain. If only she could share it…

Brennan knows Angela is making the logical and rational choice. Brennan always preferred to deal with her pain alone. She never confessed anything and was always in denial. She wouldn't ever confess clearly even if Angela pestered her to oblivion. That was simply how Brennan was.

Brennan was never open with her heart and never showed her emotions and preferred to deal with her pain alone.

Angela was simply making it easy for her by including herself in the charade of 'nothing is wrong'. Angela was thinking rationally and doing the logical thing.

* * *

.

_The present state of a body is __the result of its previous state._

.

* * *

Brennan wasn't an emotionally available person and she couldn't deal with change. So, she never really changed.

.

It was only rational that Angela would arrive at that conclusion and wouldn't hound her. Angela would let her be. Scientific Determinism states that the present state of a body is the result of its previous state. Brennan previously didn't divulge her actual feelings or pain and so she wouldn't do that now either.

A logical conclusion.

Quite irrationally, Brennan wishes that Angela didn't act logically. After all she was supposed to be one of the heart-people.

.

.

* * *

Brennan is eating at The Diner. With Sweets. This is slowly starting to become a ritual. In the absence of Booth, Sweets is trying to fill up the gap so that the awkwardness, the gaping hole in the partnership wouldn't be so openly visible.

There is some chatter, some light talk. A few jokes by Sweets trying to lighten up the mood, only half of which she understands.

She looks at their imprinted baby duck. _A sorta son_. Trying to play Booth for her so that she wouldn't feel lonely.

She knows what this is. This new ritual of theirs. This is a baby duck trying to console its mother, trying to pretend that his family isn't falling apart. This is a baby duck trying to pretend that mommy and daddy hadn't split. This is Sweets way of assuaging his guilt… His guilt of maybe being the catalyst of the deteriorating relationship between Mom and Dad. This is Sweets trying to continue the sick little charade acted out by the whole Jeffersonian family & scripted by Booth.

.

And suddenly she is angry. Quite irrationally, inexplicably she is angry. She knows that it is only logical that her family would believe that she would continue to be in her denial and hence the best option would be to carry out the charade of happiness. The charade of 'nothing-is-wrong'. And Brennan as always wouldn't deny it. And slowly like _all_ lies, when acted out for long enough & hard enough, this lie too would become a truth. A morbid pseudo-truth formed by lies & deceit. A pretense transforming itself into reality.

Something much beyond the grasp of Brennan. Because it can only be grasped by 'heart-people'. Is that what they thought? That she would as usual remain clueless and oblivious. Or at least act so. So, all they had to do was that little act of theirs and soon everything would achieve a new stasis – a new equilibrium. One in which she was not even needed…

After all, it is true, isn't it? She was the predictable one. She was the one who took only rational decisions. She was the one who remained clueless & oblivious because acknowledging the truth would just hurt even more. She was the one leading the life she predicted. _Living the life she expected. _

She has had enough. She has had enough of people thinking that they _know_ her. That she is predictable. She has had enough of living the expected life. Living alone… After all, that was what she expected, right? She has to put a stop to this… This, this, this… This pretense. This sick little play… After all, nothing is absolutely certain, is it? Absolute knowledge of a body is not possible. Human minds are not utterly rational. Scientific Determinism failed. And who is she to defy science?

She will stop this play. She _will_. She doesn't know how. She doesn't know when. But she knows that if she doesn't, she might as well kill her soul… Her very being… She might as well kill _truth_. And she is not that woman. She is not the woman who pretends. She is not a hypocrite. She is not an actor. She cannot live out the perfect play written by Booth so as to pretend everything is fine.

.

She will stop… _She will_…

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And the first step – she will start now. She would stop acting oblivious.

"Thank you" She muttered.

"What?" Asked a confused baby psychologist, smiling. Smiling because he hasn't yet realized this is the end of something. End of comfort… Corrosive comfort.

She looked straight into his eyes. Booth taught her the importance of eye contact. And she repeated, her voice crisp and clear, "Thank you."

And this time the psychologist gets it. This is not a casual 'thank you'. This is not a 'thank you for the lunch'. As he looks into her hardened eyes twirling with what he can only identify as determination and bitterness, he realizes this is another kind of 'Thank You'. Till now, he had felt that he was talking to a zombie. Of course, Dr. Brennan gave appropriate responses, but it had felt like an automated response. From a robot, a zombie… As if something inside her had died a long time ago. But now, it was as if she had suddenly snapped back into consciousness. Back into life… She had abruptly re-entered the world. And she said one word – "Thank You". And he knew this was a "Thank-you-for trying-to-pretend-but-it's-over' kind of thank you. It was her politely asking him to butt out as she took control of her life once again. It was her finally catching up to reality.

"Uh-" He tried to speak, but found himself flustered. He didn't know what to say.

And thankfully he didn't need to as Dr. Brennan walked away from him without another word.

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* * *

A/N: My New Year resolution is to write a review for every fic I read, at least for every fic I read & like.

And sorry if I got any facts wrong.

Hope you would do the same. ;)

Come on, leave a review… It would leave a depressed bipolar delusional girl pretty happy. ^_^


	4. The Uncertainty Principle

_You see, the truth is change is inevitable. Change will occur. _

_It is a law of universe. Everything changes…_

_But there are some things in life that though moulding itself into something new, though adapting to a new form, would essentially remain the same. _

_The true nature of a person is such a thing._

_._

_._

_._

_

* * *

_

Brennan was by definition someone who was frank and candid. Brennan did not lie. Least of all, Brennan was not a hypocrite. She was not.

But somehow she finds herself to be a hypocritical liar these days. And like some contagious disease of a third world country, it is spreading. It is spreading through her veins, leaching into the very essence of her.

And that was why she decided to stop this. Stop being hypocritical. Stop being a world class actress. Stop everything.

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* * *

_The Uncertainty Principle goes against the theory of determinism given by Newton and La Place._

_According to Heisenberg, the position and momentum of a particle cannot be determined accurately and simultaneously._

_Hence there is a certain element of uncertainty associated with everything in the universe. _

_For sub-atomic particles, this uncertainty is measurable whereas for macroscopic objects, it is negligible._

_._

_Hence, absolute knowledge is not possible. _

_And so the theory of scientific determinism was overthrown._

_Today, this theory is accepted as true, universal and inescapable as any other scientific law._

_._

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* * *

_You see the funny thing is, human beings are very much like electrons. Small and insignificant. At the same time significant when taken together... An important building block of the society, just like an electron is an important building block of an atom. _

_._

_Their interactions define everything. And most importantly, just like an electron, human beings are unpredictable…_

_._

_._

_._

_

* * *

_

_Just when you thought that you knew someone. Just when you thought that a person is incapable of doing something physically or emotionally, they go ahead and prove you wrong. _

_They are unpredictable and volatile. They are fuzzy around the edges and you can never know where a person really stands… _

_Just when you thought you __**knew**__, they can show you a side of themselves that was hidden till now and surprise the hell out of you. _

_And tonight was Brennan's turn._

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* * *

Another case closed.

Celebratory drinks.

Founding Fathers.

The whole 'squint squad' (team of scientists, now) is present along with Booth and Brennan. So is Hannah.

For the first time in a long long time, Brennan is _not_ unnerved by Hannah's presence. In fact, Brennan feels a sort of empathy as well as sympathy towards the woman. She feels sorry for the fact that Hannah is the only one who has been left out of the secret kept by the 'squint squad'. The secret play that they are playing. Sadly, she is the only one who is not _actually_ getting this. The sick little charade… She is the only one who is _truly_ oblivious.

Brennan shook her head to clear her thoughts and concentrated on the present.

Just as the drinks arrived, Booth exclaimed, "Hey, you know what? Bones should propose a toast. She is getting really good at these stuff, you know." He added with a wink, "I guess I taught her well. What do you say, Bones?"

And suddenly, all the comfort and non-nervousness Brennan felt was lost. Only to be replaced by anger. She very nearly chuckled in disbelief.

_How dare he?_ How dare he? What did he think? That he could show her around like a show dog? Ancient kings used to parade their best steeds as a show of strength and talent. Was that how he saw her?

A socially inept, recluse, emotionally retarded forensic anthropologist who was miraculously brought back (slightly) to the world of humans and feelings by the multi-talented Seeley Booth.

Was that what she was? A show-dog? A pet? A social experiment that had shown positive results?

_How dare he? _How dare he sacrilege the partnership of five years? The partnership that _she_ clutched onto for hope and guidance like people clutched to their Bibles. The partnership that she loved and revered. How dare he grind it to dust?

And right then and there she felt as if she was going to explode. She knew the simple thought itself was grossly irrational, but she felt as if she was charged with electricity and if she just pointed her finger, lightning bolts will shoot through it. She felt as if she was going to undergo spontaneous combustion.

She smirked.

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Seeley Booth wanted a toast from her? Well, she would give him a toast that he would never forget in his lifetime…

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* * *

"Yes, of course." She heard herself mutter as she stood up and raised her glass.

She didn't know what she would say, but it was as if words flowed through her. "To life" She proclaimed.

"Yeah… To life." Murmured many among the squint squad, including Booth.

Somehow the smirk on her face stayed even as her vision blurred. She blinked once to clear her vision and felt a drop of something wet slide through her cheek. "To life, which just _fucks_ us over and over and over again till we can barely _breathe_." Still looking straight ahead, she repeats, her voice clear, "To _life_."

And suddenly the whole table is silent. No more chatter. And suddenly everyone is looking at her dumbstruck.

She glances down to see Booth's gaze concentrated on the floor. Angela was busy looking at her shoes. Cam nervously darted her gaze. Even Hodgins and Sweets looked away guiltily. None of them raised their glasses.

And quite illogically, she felt drunk. Intoxicated… Inebriated… Not in alcohol, of course, she barely had a drink. But in something else, she couldn't place quite correctly. And so she continued, "What? Nobody wants to toast to life?" She enquired.

"Oh, I know. Nobody appreciates a toast about life. We should toast to love, right? I have heard this incredibly apt quote for love."

.

"It is something like this –" She paused, before continuing, "Have you ever been in love?

Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life..."

She chuckled darkly. "You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It-It gets _inside_ you."

"It-It eats you out and leaves you _crying_ in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart." She doesn't know why, but she is nearly panting now.

"It _hurts_. Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. **I **_**hate**_** love**."

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.

And before she could even blink her eyes, someone is dragging her out of there by her elbows and hissing each word into her face, "What. Do. You. Think. You. Are. Doing?"

She has still not understood what is going on and where she is. She can still taste that bitter tinge in her mouth when she said 'I hate love'. She blinks her eyes to get rid of the remaining moisture only to find herself staring into a pair of chocolate brown eyes. She is suddenly aware of the vice-like grip on her elbow and so she jerked he hand violently.

"Let go of me, Booth."

"What the hell were you doing in there, Temperance?" Booth asked ignoring the single trail of mascara and eyeliner that had flowed along with her tear leaving a mark on her alabaster skin.

"Do not call me Temperance."

"Answer me, dammit!"

His eyes are wild and dancing on her face. And it feels as if she can finally let go of everything that is holding her back. She is free...

She smirked. "I was not aware that you lost your auditory sense, Booth. I was making a toast."

"You- You… You cannot make a toast like that, Bones. I-"

"Well, it looks like I just did. Didn't it?"

She is fighting back like her usual self. The old Brennan who wasn't afraid to speak her mind and Booth's patience is wearing thin.

"Listen, I really don't care what toast you make, but the _least_ you could do is be civil to the woman I love."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Brennan retorted, sarcastically. "The woman you love? I didn't see her." She twisted her head around and glanced back. "Where is she?"

Booth blinks, a little surprised. "Bones, you are being sarcastic."

"Well, looks like it's not just about human evolution I learned in Maluku, is it?"

Booth shook his head. "Listen, I love Hannah. Okay, Bones? And the least you could do is pretend to be happy for me and be nice to her."

"Be nice to her? I have been _friends_ with her, Booth. Good friends. And honestly, I feel sorry for her."

"Sorry for her?" Booth scoffed. "Oh, lemme guess. Sorry that she could actually love and accept the love of a man that _you _were too afraid to love."

"No, Booth." She squared her shoulders and looked him in the eye. "Sorry for her, because she is the only one who is being made a fool here. She is the one you are cheating here."

"Don't you teach me about loyalty, Brennan" He growled.

"And don't you teach me about love, Booth." She retorted. "You claim to love the gorgeous woman sitting inside. Yet, I'm pretty sure, you never loved her and she never loved the real you."

"Don't you dare tell me that I don't love her." He grunts, as if in a warning.

"Oh, you _love_ that woman." Brennan mocked. "So, I'm pretty sure she would know about your gambling addiction, right? Or maybe about your alcoholic father? Or maybe after _whom_ your son is named? Or… Or your sniper past? Or about Jared? Or about your brain tumor? Or about that coma dream? Or about what happened before that goddamn tumor? About our kisses? About our BLOODY PAST? Shall I go in and ask, Booth?"

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.

.

Booth felt as if someone had stolen his voice.

Brennan smirked. "It's not that you have not told her yet, Booth. Maybe you are not ready _now_. But the fact is you and I, we both know, you won't tell her _ever_. And that… That should make you think, shouldn't it?"

And slowly her smile transformed into a sad one. "Whom are you deceiving, Booth? Hannah or Me?"

She draws herself close to him and continued, "Hannah loves the Seeley Booth you are showing to her. She really does. But, we are both aware that that person is not Seeley Booth. It is just a puppet version of the _perfect_ boyfriend."

She took two steps back and turns to go.

"Bones, I-"

Underneath the glow of streetlight, she looked as ethereal as a fairy and he half-expected her to dissipate as a strong breeze blew by. "Maybe…" She paused and looking into his eyes said firmly. "Maybe it is time for YOU to think what the hell YOU are doing."

And with that she turned around to flag a cab and go home. Looking as crisp as ever except for the single trail of mascara that had oozed along her tear marring her pale cheeks.

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* * *

A/N: I do not own Bones. I never will. No copyright infringement intended.

The actual quote is :

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination.

Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I _hate_ love."

It is a quote by **Neil Gaiman. **The quote is NOT owned by me. I just thought it was an appropriate quote and used it.

Please please let me know what you thought about this. ^_^

Leave me a review. Pretty please.

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	5. Love is

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_And they lived happily ever after…_

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_A sentence with which we believe all is well and good. The perfect ending for the perfect story. _

_But __**life**__ is rarely a story._

_._

_You see, the funny thing is most of us believe in that __**One True Love**__. Even the staunchest of cynics or the firmest realists, in the dark of the night, when they dream, they hope… Maybe it is a false hope… Yet they hope to find someone with whom they can share more than their life… With whom they can share their dreams, their love, their past, their future and most importantly, their fears… In our silliest dreams, we hope to find that One True Love… That soul mate… And at last be complete… Be whole… _

_

* * *

_

.

.

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This was _insane_. It was insane and stupid. It is irrational and illogical and probably just temporary, but she _feels_ the pain. The agony… And so, she feels the anger too. The inexplicable, undeniable pure hot surge of rage through her veins and she feels as if she is on fire…

.

She feels as if it is a lifetime of anger, and pain, and frustration, and resentment, and bitterness, and rage, and… and fear, which is threatening to just-just _burst_ out of her in a spontaneous outburst. She paces across her apartment, again and again. She clenches her fist and then loosens it. She is exhaling sharply. She is running her hands through what is now a mess of her hair. She rubs her face tightly, as if moulding it into some new shape. She is grunting and sighing and grunting. She… She-She just wants to _do_ something. She wants to combust spontaneously.

And she half-wishes that some burglar or serial-killer or criminal attempts to enter her apartment and fight with her, because she could really use the exercise. She really wants to unleash her martial arts on someone right now. She wants to vent out her anger and frustration. She wants to _hit_ somebody. She is breathing heavily and sharply as her eyes snag on a framed photograph. _Chocolate brown eyes filled with joy. Easy laughter and happiness. Comfort. A pair of blue eyes looking at him in adoration and affection… _

And something snaps.

* * *

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She swipes her hand in one swift motion crashing the photograph onto the cold hard floor in one fast move. She blinks at the tattered pieces that remain near her foot. She stares at it as if trying to solve a puzzle. She blinks again… And it is like a chain reaction...

She is yelling, and screaming and letting out shrieks of agony in between her sobs as she crashes the whole place down. She swipes her hand across her table bringing another set of framed photographs crashing into the ground. Not just photos of him… But photos of her and Angela… Her and Max. Russ. It is almost as if her whole life, every memory is being shattered to pieces. She grunts as she lifts a heavy vase which had cost her a little fortune and hurls it at the opposite wall. She can't even bring a smile of satisfaction as it breaks into a hundred pieces. Another vase is flung across the floor. She crashes a chair onto the floor. Her precious anthropology books are ripped apart from the shelves and flung in all directions. She is panting with all the exertion as she looks around her apartment for something else to destroy, like a mad man.

.

It was spontaneous combustion.

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She walks into her bedroom and rips the sheets from her bed and throws it into a corner. Her pillows are now lying forgotten on the floor. She opens her drawers and its contents are strewn all through her apartment. She pants as her mirror is smashed to pieces. Her perfume bottles are thrown at the floor and the shatter into tiny shards of glass. Her room is filled with an overwhelming stench and she couldn't care less.

Suddenly she sees the tiny pig figurine. _Jasper._ And Brainy Smurf. And before she can even realize what is happening she is flinging them widely with a pitiable moan and her heart beats a little bit faster as she watches them fly through the stale air in a perfect arc and… land…

.

Land on her bed, safely. And she lets out a sound that was somewhere between a cry and a groan and crumple to the floor.

She scoots over to grab Jasper and Brainy Smurf and leans against the wall… spineless. Exhausted. She arched her neck backwards and rests it against the cool surface of the wall. Her breaths are pants and sobs melded together and she tries to bring it under control. She closes her eyes and she can feel the tiny pig figurine digging into her palm…

She wants to cry… She laughs instead, at the whole absurdity. _What the hell was she doing?_

She is laughing and crying quietly at the same time…

But somehow the pain is less intense and it feels like a fraction of the weight lowered onto her chest is lifted. She leans against the wall, drawing her legs together, her chin resting on her knees, and for the first time in her life, she _allows_ herself to cry… To grieve.

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* * *

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_The problem with the concept of one true love is that it is extremely specific and exclusive. You have to find your 'one true love'. You have to find that one person. The only person who is truly your love. __**The One**__. The only person who can make you complete. The one without whom your life is incomplete… Meaningless… Void…_

_._

_Prince Charming fell for Cinderella not her evil step sister. __Romeo fell for Juliet and not someone else._

_So, you have to find that perfect match. You have to find 'The One'. And the trouble with that is in a world populated with six billion people (nearing seven), it is extremely difficult to find a person. Especially to find a person you don't even know. It is impossible to meet and understand six billion people. So, basically it boils down to luck, whether you find your person or not. _

_._

_What will happen if that one person died in an accident before you could even meet him/her? Or maybe she/he is on the opposite side of the world, how could you possibly find that person, then? _

_._

_The problem with 'The One' theory is that it is statistically impossible to meet that one person, let alone get to know him/her._

* * *

_._

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.

She has somehow overcome her hysteria. But she still hasn't moved. Her dark apartment is her sanctuary right now. Her hands have become numb and she knows somewhere in her mind that Jasper is suffocating inside her tightly closed fist. She can feel tiny shards of broken glass cutting her skin but she couldn't bring herself to care… Or move.

Even though her eyes are closed, she hears footsteps and she knows who it is. She doesn't expect him to be here. After all, it has been a long time since he stepped into her apartment and she wouldn't have been surprised if he forgot the way to her apartment. So, she wasn't guessing that it would be him. Her body is so attuned that she _feels_ his presence. She _knows_ it is him.

She feels his body slink down the wall and sit near her. Too close.

And they share a silence.

And she doesn't know whether it is a comfortable silence like before it all crumbled to pieces or whether it is an uncomfortable silence like the ones after.

All she knows is they are sharing a silence and she doesn't feel inclined to fill it with words. And she is grateful for this…

* * *

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.

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_But everyone tries to find 'The One'. Some succeed. But if and when they mess their relationship with 'The One', they are ruined. Spending their entire life on regret… Their whole life becoming a big 'What if?'. _

_Nobody knows whether it is because that person was truly 'The One' or whether it was because we delude ourselves with stupid notions of love and we tend to romanticize what we lost._

_What is __**love? **__Is it finding 'The One'? Or is it finding that one precious moment – the perfect timing? _

* * *

_**What is love?**_

* * *

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The room was too loud. Too loud. The sound of breathing overwhelming even the scent of scattered perfume.

Two people breathing was just too loud.

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.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled. Not even looking at her, but rather at the moonlight reflected from his shiny shoes.

It earns no retort or reply. But a simple disbelieving chuckle.

He sighs and tries again. "I-I…" And somehow he doesn't want to be polite or formal with her anymore. He just wants to tell her the truth, like he used to. So, he blurts the first sentence that comes in his mind. "Hannah and I broke up."

Her head snaps to his direction and suddenly she is standing up in front of him and he has to turn his neck upwards to look at her. She hissing slightly in pain as broken glass is piercing into her feet, but generally ignoring it as she yells, "GOD! Booth! I-I never wanted this. I didn't want you to break up with Hannah. I-I just wanted you to-to tell her the _truth_! I just- God!"

His face has a sad smile as he replies, "I didn't."

"What?"

"I didn't break up with Hannah. She broke up with me. She dumped me." He chuckles, half out of amusement and half with bitterness, as he repeats "She dumped me. Told me that I was an ass and that she couldn't believe that I would use her. In a much more colorful language, actually."

And Brennan's face is contorted with guilt as she asks in a small voice, "Did she- Did she hear? I-I can explain the situation to Hannah. I can talk to her. I can convince her and I will-"

"Bones…" He cuts in. "Bones, she didn't hear." He says knowing that she was referring to her outburst _outside_ The Founding Fathers. "She didn't hear."

"Then, why-"

"She is not a fool, Bones. She is a journalist. She digs up stories for heaven's sake! She- I... I-" Booth sighed. "I-I am actually surprised that I could fool her for so long."

And now, Brennan is uncertain. Jasper is digging into her palm and she speaks the first thing that comes into her mind. "I-I'm sorry, Booth. I didn't mean to sabotage you romantic relationship. I didn't want this. I swear I didn't."

"I know..." He breathes.

She crumbles back onto her knees. And the room is filled with silence once again.

"Quite a mess you have here, huh?" He asks, trying and failing to lighten the mood.

She looks at him and she feels as if he has grown years older in the span of a few minutes. He looks tired and old… She gives a half-smile and decides that she should give him a break; after all he had just been dumped. "Yes, I am quite surprised that the neighbours haven't called the cops yet. I have created quite a ruckus."

""I am 'the cops'." He chuckles.

A short silence.

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head and smirks.

"No, I really am." He insists. "I am sorry I hurt you, Bones." A tone of pleading leaching onto his voice.

"No-"

"Please forgive me, Bones. I'm _sorry_." He is pleading and the earnestness in his voice is killing her.

"No. I-I… No, I… I can't, Booth." And Booth almost wished he had never said it as he watches pure agony flit through her face illuminated by the half-darkness and moonlight filtering through the curtains. "I-I… " She breathes deeply. "All… All my life… All my life, the only thing I desired was for people consider me like- like I… I-I am _a person_. I want to be a person. I-I just want to be a _real_ person. Hell! I don't even want to be a _good person_, Booth. I don't want people to respect or be affectionate or love me… I just… I just want to be treated like a person. A _real_ person. And… And you-you made me doubt that, Booth. You made me doubt whether I am a real person, and… And I don't think I can _ever_ forgive you for that. I-I'm sorry, but I can't…"

Tears are sliding down her face as she stifled a sob and repeated. "_I can't… I'm sorry_."

* * *

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_Yet others believe Love is about finding the right moment… The exact right moment. It is all about the timing… And though the romantic partner isn't exclusive, time is… And it all depends upon time and opportunity. _

_Again, two factors which cannot be depended upon at all…_

_

* * *

_

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And he knows she is doing the only thing that defines her… The only thing that can save their partnership… She is telling _the truth_. But right now, he feels that he could kill for a kind lie. And this is practically the worst night of his life and he does the only thing he knows how to do. _Fight back_.

"I-" He gives a disbelieving and bitter laugh. He can't believe this anymore. All their missed chances and missed moments… It feels as if he can never find the _right_ moment. "I thought I told you, Bones. I had told you… I-… I had to move on and I did. I _told_ you and you _agreed_. I had to move on."

It is her turn to laugh. "That was you moving on?"

"Yes, Bones. That was me moving on. I fell in love with someone else and you just have to deal with it."

An unbidden memory comes to her memory and she flinches. _Mom and Dad aren't coming back, Tempe. They left us, you just have to deal with it._ She shakes her head as if to clear her head and speaks in a strangled voice. "That… That wasn't moving on, Booth. I find that I was okay with the fact that you loved someone else, Booth. That wasn't pleasant but it was okay, Booth. What wasn't okay is that what you did wasn't moving on… It-It was you trying to _prove_ some point. It was you… You proving to me that I wasn't needed. It-It was you telling me I was worthless. It was-"

"Bones, I-" Booth interrupts but is ignored.

"No, Booth. Listen. _Listen_." She pleads. "It-It was you telling me that I wasn't included in your life. I degraded from your partner to your associate. 'Our squint squad' degraded to 'your team of scientists'. You looked and behaved as if… you didn't even li-like me. As if I wasn't even your friend… You were annoyed by my scientific findings, you never contested my beliefs or my science, you didn't argue with me. You were annoyed by me, irritated by my behaviour… You-You looked at me as if-As if…" She struggles to catch her breath. "Like-Like…"

"Like what, Temperance?" He whispers, his eyes glazing over.

"Like… Like you didn't even know me. Like I was _a_ _stranger_… You looked at me like how _others_ look at me. Not Angela, Cam, Hodgins or Sweets. But how _others_ look at me. Those who don't like me, how they looked at me… You looked at me like that. As if I am the forensic anthropologist and that's _all_ I was. As if you didn't know me. As if you weren't my friend… My _best friend_. I-I… I thought you were my _friend_… No matter what."

"I-… I just-" He doesn't have anything to say. Honestly, he has _nothing_ to say. No explanation to give her… No excuses… No nothing. So, after a long time, he decides to go with the basics. He'd tell the truth. Just the truth. Because that was the foundation of their partnership… Because that was what she needed.

"I… I think I wanted to hurt you." He confesses.

She laughs. "You think?"

"I… I felt _dead_ in Afghanistan. I-It was the worst year in my life, I guess. I-" He lifts his head to look her in the eye. "The woman I loved for six years… Six goddamn years! She… rejected me."

"Because I loved you." She states.

She is not confessing anything. She is not trying to get him. She is simply making a statement.

He should've felt incredibly happy or surprised but he doesn't. He continues. "Because she was afraid to love me."

"No." Brennan shakes her head. "Because she was afraid to let you love her."

And he looks at her, and somehow he knows how everything went wrong. "And, somehow the _only_ meaningful relationship… partnership is broken and you're going to Maluku and… and I'm going to Afghanistan and I couldn't see _my son_ or _you_ and I'm fighting a useless war and people are dying and… and…" He runs his hands through his hair. "And that was _not_ how I imagined my life would be and I guess, I just lost all hope… I was tired… I was _tired_ of hoping and waiting for my life to happen."

He waited for a response from Bones. Any response. When he got none, he sighed. "I-I know it's not an excuse, Bones. I… I just wanted to explain myself."

"Okay."

A silence. He doesn't whether to thank for it or not, so he keeps silent. Give her time to process information while he himself did some soul-searching. He still can't believe that he has somehow degraded from the man who kept his promises to a spiteful man. He still can't believe that after all those promises he made to himself about not leaving Bones; that is exactly what he did… And he has to find the reason for this before he can say it to Bones, because he himself doesn't know the reason. He doesn't know when exactly he turned to be bitter and from when he wanted to hurt Bones.

"I think… Bones, Do you know how we always have this… this _idea_ of what we want to be?"

She shrugs. "Not really."

He chuckles. He missed this. The fact that he can always expect Bones to answer truthfully.

"It is like… You have this _idea_ of yourself, you know. An idea of the best possible you. A plan, a map laid out for your life. I-I was always the family man, Bones. You know, I had this idea that I would be married to a beautiful woman and have two kids by the time I hit forty." He chuckles. "I… I wanted to have a _happy_ family for a change."

Brennan winces at the last statement knowing that Booth was talking about his family. She was not the only one with a hard childhood…

"I guess, that was why I was so very upset when Rebecca rejected me. I wanted my kid to have a normal family. Not a broken one… I… I just started doubting everything in my life. I-I didn't know what I wanted. I just knew that I wanted Parker to have a great Dad and a great Mom. And then… Then I met you. And it's ridiculous and too corny, but… but I _knew_ what I wanted."

"What?" Brennan asks, her voice barely over a whisper.

"I wanted our partnership and friendship and the little weird family of squints. I wanted us to solve crimes and have celebratory drinks and late night take outs. I wanted to have annoying sessions with Sweets and I wanted us to mess with him. I wanted whatever I had…" He smiles, and Brennan wonders whether he is smiling at the memories of an uncomplicated partnership. "I had the _happy family_. I didn't want anything more… I was content. And then…"

"And then, I rejected you." Brennan offered.

Booth looks at her. "And then, it was hell all over _again_. I thought… I thought we missed our moment one too many times and we are just punishing each other for it. I-I thought that we are both just _too_ much messed up, _too_ much damaged to make this _actually_ work. And I guess I blamed you. I blamed you for what we both messed up. I-I lost hope and patience… I lost faith in love. And so one scorching hot day in Afghanistan I decided to… I don't know what I decided to do." He laughs sardonically. "I-I just believed that life is what you make of it or something and I just wanted that _idea_ to be true _so_ badly… I guess that was what I was trying to do… I wanted to be that man – the man with the perfect life and happy family. I was trying to defeat life in its own game… Trying to win that gamble… I wanted to convert myself into _that_ idea of perfect man – with a good girlfriend, who later becomes his wife, with a good job… with happiness… But, it was like… I never could find contentment. I couldn't be _satisfied_… Or _happy_ as I was before and that just made me try harder… Harder to beat life."

He takes a deep breath. "But… But I'm _not_ that idea of perfect man, Bones. I'm not that guy. I don't want a beautiful woman as my wife. I want the beautiful woman I _love_ as my wife… Hell, I don't even care if she's not my wife. I just want her to be with _me_. I'm _not_ the guy with the good stable job; I'm the guy who wants to fill his cosmic balance sheet. I'm… I'm just me and I don't know how to be good at anything else."

A silence prevails. And Brennan doesn't know what to say. And a word of advice offered many years ago, float to her head… _Offer a little bit of yourself_.

"I don't lie, Booth. Well, that is not entirely true. I have lied on many occasions, many a times by omission. But what I mean is, I… I didn't consider myself to be a hypocrite. I think it would be fairly accurate to say that I didn't pretend, except for the sake of undercover cases, of course…" She sighed. "What I wanted to convey was that, I was given an identity. The one called 'Bones' by you. And I liked her. I never considered myself to be hypocritical. But… but after we came back, I… I felt as if everyone was pretending and found myself to be pretending as well… I wasn't that woman, Booth. I wasn't the kind who pretended. And that was why…"

"You gave the toast… Because you were sick of pretending." Booth completes her thoughts.

"Yes… But I find that I am not this woman either, Booth. I am not a resentful or vengeful or a very angry woman. I am not weak. Yet… Yet, I- I find myself to be one. I- I don't know what to _do_."

* * *

.

.

.

_You see, people throughout the world believe that finding that everlasting one true love, is finding 'The One' or finding the exact 'Right Moment'. _

_What most of them don't realize is True Love is just about __**Finding Yourself**__. _

_You don't have to find the right person or the right moment… You just have to find yourself…_

_._

_._

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* * *

She feels his warm hand encompass hers, but she doesn't protest. Right now, they had just laid their hearts bare open for each other to analyse and study... She can wait until tomorrow to tell him that he shouldn't hold her hands. Tonight… Tonight she'll just enjoy the feeling. And the comfortable silence that they share right now…

His words cut like glass through the air, though he is whispering. "Will we be okay, Bones?"

And she wants to reply in affirmative, but she does the only thing that she knows how to do well. She tells him the truth…

"I do not know, Booth. I don't know."

And it is the first forward step towards rebuilding their partnership… Rebuilding their friendship… Rebuilding their trust… Rebuilding their love…

And though this is just the first step, both Booth and Brennan can't help but hope that there would be many more.

.

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* * *

A/N: And this is the last chapter of the story… Sorry, if it was too angsty. I just don't believe that they can just pretend nothing happened and fall in love and be back together again, in the blink of an eye.

I believe that there would be a lot of issues to be resolved. Anyway, this is the last chapter of the story, hope you enjoyed it… I _might_ be writing a sequel if and when I feel so. But I probably won't. I'm not a big fan of sequels.

Anyways, let me know if you're interested.

Oh and btw, if you're interested, I have written two other fics too. "The Destiny in The Feeling" which is basically a dramatic AU way of me setting season 6 right, and "Revelations in The Session" which is a pre-100th episode, light and fluffy fic that has got humor, romance and drama… So, if you're interested please read them and leave a review. ^_^

Oh and if you enjoyed this tory too, could you please leave a review, it makes my day… Pretty please?

Disclaimer: I do not own Bones. No copyright infringement intended.


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